is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
