Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
