thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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