I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
