I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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