had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
