I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
