it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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