I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
