Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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