jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
