A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
