did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
