I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
