They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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