o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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