Fuck appropriateness.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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