drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
