Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
