atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
