I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
