I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
