Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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