Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
