i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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