I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
