My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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