I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
