he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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