I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
