It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
