My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We are all done wearing pants today
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize