I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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