Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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