you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
