i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
