the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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