You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize