So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
