The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
