i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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