Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just high enough for therapy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
