Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
