A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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