'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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