Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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