you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
