So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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