Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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