I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
