4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
