now i know why i became what i already was.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
