i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
