Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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