last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
