dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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