Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
