So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
