im six kinds of drunk right now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
